Coaching Families

Coaching families seems like an emerging niche the coaching industry. On the one hand, coaches are discovering their potential in helping families to live the lives they want to live and on the other, family scientists and family therapists are discovering that using partnering coaching methods to assist families is proving more beneficial than advising or diagnosing them (Allen, 2016; Allen 2020). The overlap between social constructionist, post-modern family therapy approaches and family coaching is quite significant (Furman, 2010; Medcalf 2009; Medcalf 2018; Berg & Steiner, 2003;  Sharry, 2004; Nieuwerburgh,  2012). Both focus on what the clients want to achieve, are non-pathologizing and position the practitioner as a partner in the meaning making and the co-creation of further development in the direction of the clients’ goals.

In the following, please find a few considerations and resources for coaches working in or considering this niche.

Coaching entire families

When working with any member of a family on something “family-related”, we would opt for considering who benefits most from coaching. As in team coaching, once you start coaching one team member, that team member tends to be identified as “the problem” and the situation is in danger of becoming an exercise in decontextualized repair work. Parents might want the coach to fix the child, spouses want the coach to make the other spouse see that they have to change, etc. Therefore, before endeavoring to coach the client that is brought to you or appears at your doorstep, it might be a good idea to see whom else you could invite from the family as clients, as resources, as collaborators.

If you can get more than one person on board, contracting and developing a joint preferred outcome of the coaching is very important. Solution Focused questions about “what instead” might be valuable here: the family may not be able to agree on what the problem is, but they might well be able to say what they want instead. The beauty of this is that the preferred futures can add to one another. Mom’s “I want to be able to rest on a Sunday”, Dad’s “I need to be able to relax when I come home” and a child’s “I want you to talk to me calmly about problems” can all happen at the same time.

In family coaching, conflict resolution skills of the coach are also important. You might have to invite everyone to suspend their judgment of one another before they are even willing to engage in talking about a preferred future. Outsider witness structures (see chapter 5) or other invitations to non-judgemental listening to one another like Nancy Kline’s thinking environment may be helpful here. Fredrike Bannink’s (2010) “Maori Technique” is a very simple version: everyone gets to say what they want to say before they can contribute to a constructive discussion, but they can only take one turn and not reply to other’s contribution. That way “a constructive discussion” is presupposed and people know that it is not about airing out conflicts but about sharing their perspective and experiences in ways that the others may be able to understand.

The coach is also well advised to be on the side of everyone in the room. We don’t think the coach is neutral – they are a partner and advocate for the goal of the family. “Neutrality” is only helpful as it pertains to making sure everyone knows that the coach is on everyone’s side and does not display any favoritism to anyone.

The ability to normalize and sit with strong emotions is also very useful for a family coach. When someone gets upset it is ok for them to be upset. Gently asking what the person needs instead, helping them to phrase their wishes in ways that others can hear is a skill that a family coach will probably need to develop.

Coaching parents

Parent coaching also seems like a growing niche. Clients usually want a mix of help with raising their child, with their role as parents or generally help with family life becoming more manageable. These are all future focused goals that a coach might help with using the principles described in chapter 5: invite a rich description of what is wanted that fits with who the parents want to be in observable terms, find instances in which this happened and invite descriptions of signs of progress.

What is special about coaching is that it will invite a description of interactions and intentional states rather than internal states. “When you are at your best as a parent, what do your children notice?” rather than “What do you feel?” If parents would like some guidance, the work of John Sharry (2004), Ben Furman (2010) and Berg & Steiner (2003) may be useful.

Coaching children and adolescents

Children and adolescents rarely initiate contact with a coach by themselves. They are brought by parents, referred by schools, or otherwise enter into helping relationships at the initiative of adults and institutions. A coach for children and adolescence therefore needs to be able to invite their client to collaborate, to co-create something that the client might want from the coaching relationship and to demonstrate that they will be on their side (and against “the problem” but not against “the others” in the family or environment)

Ben Furman’s “Kids Skills” (2010) and other materials are invaluable resources for aspiring and practicing coaches for children and adolescents. They are practical and fun for children and adolescents to use.

When it comes to educational issues we recommend the works of Linda Metcalf (2009), Ben Furman (2010), Nieuwerburgh (2012), Winslade & Monk (2007), Murphy (2022). They all have in common that they stay away from pathologizing, work with the child or adolescent at eye-level, include the environment as potential helpers and supporters and assume and work with the clients’ resources and strengths. Often, the school environment, the young person and their parents feel pitted against each other – it might be a good idea for the coach to aim at restoring their collaboration.

There is an overlap of coaching neurodivergent clients and coaching children and adolescents. It is important that coaches stay within the remits of their contexts and education and stay clear of diagnosing anyone. For a really good resource to understand how counsellors and therapists might work with neurodivergent young people, please have a look at Mattelin & Volckaert (2017) – much of their approach might work for coaches, too.

Coaching couples

Couples share the characteristics of most family coaching: at least one person is often mandated and it was not their idea to come. Therefore, the same caveats as for coaching families or young people apply. The coach might pay attention to careful contracting, an invitation to suspending judgement and listening for understanding and sensemaking, creating hope, a focus on the desired future and the preferred past (most couples started happy), signs of progress and experiments or agreements. Resources we recommend are Connie (2013), Weiner-Davis (1995, 2003, 2014) or Ziegler (2001).

I hope to have given you some ideas and possible resources should you be interested in working with families which is Iwe can do in the scope of this blog. There is a book to be written about Solution Focused, Narrative and Collaborative family coaching and maybe you are the one to write it.

If you want to hang out with us and be at the avantgarde of post-modern and social constructionist thinking (kidding) or just reflect, have fun or learn about our classes why not join one of our free meetups and exchanges?

References:

Allen, K., & Huff, N. L. (2014). Family coaching: An emerging family science field. Family Relations, 63(5), 569-582. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12087

Bannink, F. P. (2010). Handbook of solution-focused conflict management. Hogrefe Publishing.

Berg, I. K., & Steiner, T. (2003). Children’s solution work. W. W. Norton & Company.

Connie, E. (2013). The solution-focused marriage: 5 simple habits that will bring out the best in your relationship. The Connie Institute.

Furman, B. (2010). Kids’ skills: Playful and practical solution-finding with children. Bennett & Bloom.

Kline, N. (2009). More time to think: A way of being in the world. Fisher King Publishing.

Machara, M. E., Kruenegel-Farr, D., & Allen, K. (2020, October 7). Family life coaching: Part of the family science toolbox. NCFR Report. https://www.ncfr.org/ncfr-report/fall-2020/family-life-coaching-part-family-science-toolbox

Mattelin, E., & Volckaert, H. (2017). Autism and solution-focused practice. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Metcalf, L. (2009). Solution-focused therapy in schools (2nd ed.). Springer Publishing Company.

Metcalf, L. (2018). Solution-focused brief therapy in schools: A 360-degree view of research and practice (3rd ed.). Springer Publishing Company.

Murphy, J. J. (2022). Solution-focused counseling in schools (4th ed.). Wiley.

Sharry, J. (2004). Counselling children, adolescents and families: A strengths-based approach. SAGE Publications.

Sharry, J. (2004). Solution-focused parent training. In B. O’Connell & S. Palmer (Eds.), Handbook of solution-focused therapy (pp. 48-60). SAGE.

van Nieuwerburgh, C. (Ed.). (2012). Coaching in education: Getting better results for students, educators, and parents. Routledge.

Weiner-Davis, M. (1995). Divorce busting: A step-by-step approach to making your marriage loving again. Simon & Schuster.

Weiner-Davis, M. (2003). The sex-starved marriage: Boosting your marriage libido. Simon & Schuster.

Weiner-Davis, M. (2014). Healing from infidelity: The divorce-busting guide to rebuilding your marriage after an affair. Atria Books.

Winslade, J. M., & Monk, G. D. (2007). Narrative counseling in schools: Powerful & brief (2nd ed.). Corwin Press.

Ziegler, P., & Hiller, T. (2001). Recreating partnership: A solution-oriented, collaborative approach to couples therapy. W. W. Norton.

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