When the coaching client wants you to be directive

Every once in a while, we meet coaching clients who have a different understanding of what coaching is than we do as professional coaches. They might expect us to give advice, tell them what to do, or even prescribe a “treatment plan.”

And who can blame them?

Sometimes life feels so complicated that having someone—anyone—say “Just do this” sounds wonderfully comforting. I often start there:

“Of course, you would like someone to give advice – it is a tricky situation!”

This validation helps clients feel understood, and it opens the door for a deeper conversation about what they really want from coaching. If we accept the client’s desire for advice as natural and normal and don’t resist it, we are opening a door for an alternative way forward. The old solution focused saying: “If I insist, you will resist” is valid here, too. If we insist that we won’t give advice the client might try their best to convince us that advice is what they need.

“What difference would it make if I were more directive?”

This question shifts the focus from what they think they want (advice) to what they actually need (clarity, confidence, new perspectives). It may be that they already know what they want to do, but would like someone to give them permission or to agree with them – which also is completely normal. Of course, we are not going to give permission (because we can’t) but we can help the client explore what they really want and invite them to give themselves permission.

“Only you know yourself and your situation. What I know may not speak to your context.”

If I simply tell my clients what to do, they might feel temporarily relieved—but they’ll also keep coming back for advice. Great for my bank account, not great for their development. My invitation will be to figure it out together. It is also helpful for the relationship if the coach shows a bit of vulnerability here: the coach simply cannot know. It’s not that they don’t want to – they can’t.

“Can we explore your thoughts first? If I have information that might fit, I’ll share it with you—but you decide whether it fits your situation.”

Sometimes, this kind of a compromise is helpful. Again, you notice that the coach is not taking the option of sharing their thoughts off the table but is postponing. In many cases the client will no longer need advice after they have thought through the issue themselves. If they still want to hear what the coach thinks, I personally think it is ok to share that with the caveat that the client needs to take responsibility for what they end up doing:

“Whatever you decide to do, you are the one who has to live with the consequences. Please take the responsibility for what you are going to do, as I said, I am not in your shoes and certainly don’t know better than you.”

In the end, coaching is about empowering our clients, not replacing their thinking with ours. When a client wants us to be directive, it’s an opportunity—not to give them answers, but to help them see they already have what it takes to find their own.

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