When the client does not want to change

One of my favorite coaching jokes is: “How many coaches does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want it!” So, in theory, when a client does not want to change, the coach does not have a mandate, and the best and most ethical solution would be to stop coaching. The coach can shrug their shoulders and simply think: “Ok, nothing to be done here” and move on to something else.

Sometimes, however, things are not so clear cut. Let’s say the coach is being asked to work with an executive who is very talented but is a terrible leader. In this case, the sponsor does want something (understandably so), but the leader may not. Or a parent asks a coach to help their child with improving their performance at school. Again, we have someone who wants something, but it is not the client.

In both cases, the coach probably thinks that they can do the universe a favor if they can “seduce” the client into wanting some change themselves. In both cases, it is likely that the client will be defensive or unwilling (also understandably so). The client may not think they have a problem, at least not one that they are willing to solve. From the client’s perspective, the problem may be caused by other people: the teachers, the incompetent employees, etc.

As long as the client continues with this perspective, there truly is not much the coach can do. As another of my favorite sayings states: “No problem can be solved from the level of consciousness that created it.” What the coach can try is to invite the client to change their perspective in such a way that they are able to see opportunities that were previously hidden from them.

But how can coaches invite clients to change their perspective? The worst thing would probably be insisting that the client needs to change. That would position the coach clearly opposite the client, not alongside. The client will see the coach as aligned with “the enemy” and that does not bide well for the relationship.

One thing coaches can do is align with the goals the client has. I once coached an executive who was adamant that he was not the problem (contrary to the descriptions I had received from HR). They complained about their direct reports, how nothing was working – you get the picture. The coaching started turning in a useful direction when I asked: “It sounds like you are really interested in everyone doing a good job”. They agreed and I asked a few questions aimed at elucidating their goals and agency such as: “What difference would it make to you if everyone was doing a great job?” or “Suppose everyone was doing a great job, what would become possible for you?” or “What is your role in all of this as their leader?” We ended up finding a goal that worked for both the leader and the organization.

I think that the statement that you cannot and should not coach a client who does not want to change holds. However, you can explore what the client wants and whether this can be brought into congruence with what the sponsor wants. Obviously, if no congruence can be found, for example if the client wants to explore finding a new job and the sponsor wants to keep them in the company, ethical concerns need to be considered.

If you want to explore these or other topics with a bunch of likeminded coaches, why not join one of our free meetups and exchanges?

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