When clients want to know “why”

Human beings are meaning making creatures. We like it when we can make sense of our experience and most people have “stories” they tell themselves with beginnings, middles and ends, stories that have protagonists, antagonists, conflicts and a resolution. Our minds seek coherence in the description of our experience.

I encountered an interesting concept in Gestalt therapy (and please forgive me if I butcher it): Healthy humans can choose what to pay attention to, what is in the foreground of their experience and what is in the background. For example, as I am writing here, I can choose to concentrate on writing, be interrupted by my need to sip my mate tea, complete sipping and go back to writing. I am not constantly bothered by my need to sip.

Sometimes coaching clients are bothered by a need to understand “why” something happened. It is as if they cannot let go of not knowing “why” and this constantly interrupts their lives and experiences. They lie awake at night, whenever they have downtime, or default time like in the shower, their thoughts revert to “why did this happen?”

The old Solution Focused response to clients’ desire to understand “why” is to ask clients what would be better if they knew. They would state that they would be able to go back to their lives, be calmer, start singing in the shower instead of ruminating about “why”. The Solution Focused practitioner would then invite the client to work on this goal instead of trying to understand “why” knowing that all “whys” are a construction and that in the big picture of things, it doesn’t really matter. Kierkegaard wrote: “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards” and Solution Focused practice will have a preference for helping people move forward.

However, some clients really want to “make sense” and not move forward before they have made sense of their experience. In my view, we should not reject that endeavor. Coaches can be partners in meaning making and help the client find a story with beginning, middle and end that strengthens them, if this is what they want.

Of course, it is crucial that the coach checks with the client what they would like to think about. I would always ask about what understanding the “why” would do for the client and if that can be achieved without understanding the “why”. It is most often the faster route to getting better. But I will also offer a useful exploration of the “why” if the client wants to go there.

Here are some gentle, non-pathologizing ways of exploring the “why”

Focus on good intentions – self-compassion

Let’s say the client failed an important exam and wants to understand “why” they are always so nervous and why they are “never” successful. They may be beating themselves up in search of a flaw in their personality or their past which explains “why” they are such a failure. This is not a very helpful story to develop. In this case, I would invite the client to describe what their intentions were with the exam. What was important about it? I would try to help the client create a story of someone who put in a lot of effort and was not successful “yet”. From: “I am a failure; something is wrong with me” to “I tried valiantly but failed this time. I can decide to drop the issue or try again”.

Focus on the learning

Wanting to understand “why” sometimes also is a way to ensure that I won’t make the same mistake again. If I know what went wrong, I can do something differently the next time and be successful. When clients want to know “why” in order to learn, they are taking responsibility for their actions and intentions and are moving in the direction of self-efficacy. What I would like to encourage in this case is focus on the learning without denigrating the “old self” which made the “mistake” to be learned from. The client probably did the best they could do with the information they had at the time. I would want to encourage self-compassion and a view of the client’s past “self” as maybe not as wise as they could have been, but still a good-enough person.

Focus on preferences

When the “why”- question is linked to another person or a perceived injustice, it can be useful to turn the “why” into an “I don’t like it when…” An example: “I was so fair to my co-workers. Now they are trying to take advantage of me! What did I do to deserve this? Why is this happening?” could be rephrased as: “So, you really don’t seem to like it when your co-workers are trying to take advantage of you?” Instead of focusing inwards and looking for “why”, the client might focus on the environment that they prefer. What do they need in order to flourish? What habitat supports their preferred version of themselves?

Externalize the “why”

Sometimes people are really struggling with “whys” of events not in their control. Maybe they are grieving a loss or any other misfortune or hardship that they are experiencing. In these cases grappling with “why” or “why me” seems linked to the desire for a just universe. We all know that the universe is not fair, good people experience hardships just as bad people do, however, we know that cognitively and our heart does not always follow suit (forgive the separation, here). As a coach, I might ask the client to “externalize” the “why-question” that cannot be answered. What is the relationship that they would like to have to their search for “why”. Do they like the “search”? Do they want it to appear in certain moments and not in others? What would they like to say to that “why-question”?

Forgive

Sometimes the “why”-question is about not wanting to believe that another person has been mean. If we don’t know  “why” someone acted in a way that was detrimental to us, it can be hard to come to terms with what happened. In such cases, it may be useful to think of an explanation that furthers the idea that the other person is not “mean”. It is tricky to invite clients to “forgive” because it can easily be misunderstood as victim blaming. However, when clients mention themselves that they would like to forgive, looking for ways that explain the behavior of the hurtful person in kinder ways can be helpful. “They did not realize how important it was for me to have this Sunday off, therefore they changed the shift without asking me” is a better explanation than: “They are mean * insert favorite expletive * and are always out to hurt me”, especially, if the client wants to stay in collaboration with their co-workers.

Wait

Sometimes asking for “why” simply will go away. You might invite the client to gauge how important finding and answer is now and how they see the development of that desire. Will it continue? How important is it to find and answer now? Maybe they will find out that there is no “why” and that their desire is a fleeting rage against the injustice of the world and not really something that they need an answer to.

Thank you for reading this long post – I had a lot of fun writing and thinking about the usefulness of “why”. If you would like to think with us, why not join us at one of our free coaching meetups and exchanges?

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