Stop activiating "underlying fears" in coaching

I was recently asked what I am struggling with and what my underlying fears pertaining to this struggle are. And while I appreciate the person asking me that question, I could not and did not want to answer. Fasten your seatbelt for a little rant:

There is nothing “underlying” about fears

Fears are stories we tell about the future. They describe what we think might happen that we do not want to happen. I can fear a confrontation with someone. My story is that the person will respond unkindly and will start shouting at me, and I don’t like that. In coaching, I can discover ways of holding myself and collaborating with the other person that make me feel more comfortable in this situation and develop alternative stories based on my positive experiences.

Presuming “underlying” fears leads to unhelpful interactions

If I presume that there are “underlying fears” that my client needs to address (notice the language here: just who decides what the client needs to address? Warning bells: on!), I will invite the client to “dig deep” into their undesired internal states (the existence of “internal states” is yet on another page of the book of invented and unhelpful constructs). Maybe I will presume the client’s fear of confrontation is a recurrent emotion that shapes how they perceive the world and act in it, a “way of being”. I could then inquire into how this “way of being” habitually shows up in language, emotions and the body to uncover how this fear functions. I could then invite the client to distinguish the emotion and to create new interpretations or explore other embodied ways of being that are alternative to fear.

Presuming “underlying” fears is not necessary

You see that the latter interactions of the second paragraph are very similar to what I describe in the first paragraph: We end up talking about what the client wants instead (in a way). If you take the detour via the “underlying fear”, you are focusing on the fear as if it was real, thereby making it real. There is so much talk about “the fear” before you invite the client to talk about possibilities and resolutions. That way, you are making the problem bigger before solving it. Instead of simply asking: “What would you like instead?” or, if the client mentions fear: “What kind of relationship would you like to have with fear?”, we enter a conversation about fear that makes it more present and cements its existence. Why?

Presuming “underlying fears” strengthens individualistic narratives

The problem is reduced to the individual and their fear. The context is ignored. Maybe the client has very good reasons to fear a confrontation? Maybe the other person is violent, mean and the client is being bullied by everyone else around them? Maybe the client is underprivileged, and their environment has been recruited into thinking they are “less than”? All of these potential factors are ignored when we reduce the “problem” to the client and their “underlying fears”.

“Underlying” anything only works for certain philosophies of coaching

If you assume that a human being has “underlying” (unconscious, core, existential) parts, looking for the “underlying” might make sense. Espousing this philosophy, you will think that in order to treat “a symptom on the surface”, you have to uncover the root cause. You will think that just talking about stories that make the client stronger is shallow. However, if you do not think that a human being has “underlying” parts but is simply a person who is connected to their environment by the stories they tell themselves about themselves and others, there is no need to invent a story about “underlying parts” of the individual. A more holistic and ecological philosophy invites the client to connect with their surroundings and to access strengthening stories rather than weakening ones. They can find ways in which they want to show up in situations that they fear, they can discuss what relationships they would like with the discourses that surround them and can generate a more encompassing awareness and responsibility (two of the most important benefits of coaching).

Ok, ok, rant over. I feel like a broken record when I say again: “Coach beware of the philosophies you are buying with your coaching approach!”

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