Self-help from hell

Many self-aware and reflective people, our clients, our colleagues, our friends or even we are interested in improving ourselves and our lives. Self-help literature offers pathways to doing that. However, the more I read and see the occasional facebook reel (yes, I am that old), the more I am becoming worried about what advice people seem to be following. I asked my friends from SolutionsAcademy about their experience with self-help methods and what they would warn against. Don’t get me wrong, there is useful advice and wisdom out there, however, buyer beware, some self-help advice can do more harm than good.

The Dark Side of Self-Help

1. Toxic Positivity: Smile, Even When It Hurts!

Toxic positivity is the idea that whatever happens to you, you need to stay positive. People say things like: “God does not give you more than you can carry” or “Look for the lesson in this” etc. This invalidates the hardships and suffering! If self-help invites you to ignore your problems and put on a brave face rather than acknowledging you suffering to then find ways to move on: don’t walk – run!

2. The Cult of Individualism: It’s All on You

Toxic positivity and the cult of individualism often go hand in hand. You are invited to imagine that you are alone responsible for your success. Every advice you receive is about something that you need to do, and your community and other support is neglected. This can go hand in hand with blaming and shaming (yourself) if you don’t succeed (see below). And of course, we know that not everything can be solved by one person, and that the environment plays a huge role in someone’s wellbeing. So if they tell you: “It’s all on you” make a beeline for the exit.

3. Over-the-Top Promises: “Transform Your Life in 30 Days!”

Wouldn’t it be nice? Just do what I say for 30 days, and your life will be magically transformed. Loose the 20 pounds, build lean muscle, become super-organized: “Here is the magic bullet, just open your wallet...” These marketing claims lead us to construct an ideal future. If we only follow this advice, we will become happy! “After I have lost 20 pounds, I can go dancing”, we might think, forgetting that we can go dancing with any weight. So instead of doing what we really want, we engage in programs that may not end up working and blaming ourselves for not sticking with it. If a program promises too much, close your wallet and practice the following full sentence: “No!”

4. One Size Fits All: “This Worked for Me, So It Will Work for You”

We all know the success stories that are used to sell self-help. They follow a simple formula: “Before, I was miserable. Then I did THIS. Now I am happy” usually accompanied by a few before / after pictures. However, we know people are different – if there was one way to be healthy, organized, beautiful, successful, we would not need to be told by an influencer or self-help guru. It would be taught in schools. People and their contexts are too different for one-size-fits all solutions. Serious self-help authors will always say that what worked for them will not necessarily work for you and will accompany you on your personal journey. If you hear “This worked for me, so it will work for you”, run for cover!

5. Blame and Shame: “If You’re Not Successful, It’s Your Fault”

Of course, none of the self-help programs from hell are at fault if you are not successful using their method. You just did not try hard enough, obviously. There are multitudes who followed the program and made it. If you failed: your problem. Just imagine how devastated people feel when they are pushed into a loop of trying, failing, blaming themselves, trying again, etc. If a program did not work for you, what you need to do is look for what, if anything, did work, even a little bit. You need to figure out what changes you need to make to the program (not yourself) and observe the small signs of success (sorry for the self-help advice here...). If you feel that you are being blamed -  escape while you can!

6. The Never-Ending Upsell: Buy More, Do More

Now, the blame-game can easily fuel an upsell. Since you did not reach your goal in the first (cheap) program, you obviously need the next program. That program gets you there, but only almost. To achieve the highest goal, you need to book more courses and expensive private coaching buy the guru. These schemes can lead to financial and emotional exploitation. Run – and take your wallet with you!

7. Extreme Advice: “Quit Your Job, Leave Everything Behind”

Some self-help advice can be very extreme. You are told that in order to “be truly authentic”, you have to quit your job, or in order to find your “twin-flame”, you need to move across the country to live with a complete stranger. Real progress is usually incremental, you get better every day, bit by bit with a few setbacks strewn in for fun. Most things that people want to get better at require developing a habit or a practice, not a revolution. If you hear extreme advice, reject the nonsense!

8. Your problem is caused by others: 100%

This is the opposite of the “you are at fault” mechanism. I am seeing more and more chatter on “narcissists” and how “empaths” are attracted to narcissists or on unchangeable attachment styles which make a relationship with someone impossible. It is never this simple – real narcissism is rare and while it may be a useful shorthand to describe a situation, framing yourself as the victim with no way out is not helpful. I will always acknowledge the hardship and suffering, yet, I will want to invite my friends and clients to think about what they want instead and how to move toward that, too.

9. Stuck in the Loop: Always Learning, Never Doing

Yes, the self-help gurus from hell are amusing. They tell interesting stories, are funny and their content comes in 60 second snippets. The danger is that consuming self-help content can become a distraction from action and becomes another digital addiction. Rather than going out for a walk, calling a friend, we can stay stuck to our screen and fantasize about the things we would do if we only followed the guru’s advice. If you feel you are thinking about improvement more than you are actually doing things to improve: maybe you should rethink your tactic 😊

Conclusion: Real Growth Is Messy, Personal, and Social

When you listen to or read self-help books, check if you are being lured into one of the above traps. Be discerning about self-help and revisit your development by reflecting on whether this is actually helping you regularly. Join a group of like-minded people to build your community, talk about what you would like to achieve to your friends. Do something in the real world and engage in your personal growth by taking small steps forward. A coach or psychotherapist can also help – but don’t forget, there is no way out of the messiness!

If you would like to hang out with a bunch of like-minded coaches, discuss your ideas, learn about our programs, why don’t you join one of our free meetups and exchanges?

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