Coaching grudges

Some clients hold grudges against other people, the world, things that happened to them in the past etc. They feel like they have been treated unfairly or were hurt by something someone did or something that happened and they continue to be upset when they think about it.

A situation concerning a grudge happened to me the other day in my private life (not in my coaching practice). A dance teacher had stolen all his students from his previous employer by inviting them to leave the school with him and join the new place he was joining. The owner of the school was not amused but quickly turned to rebuilding her client base. In the discussion of this event, one of the other dance instructors revealed that he was still suffering from his disappointment and anger towards his ex-wife who had stolen his dance school from him and left him penny-less. Years later, he was still emotionally affected. I really felt for him and became aware how the “grudge” is mainly hurting him. My idea was that it would probably be better for him to come to terms with the situation. Of course, I cannot know that and it’s his decision to want to change something or not – but I know that it might be wise for us coaches (and maybe also just fellow humans) to learn some options to help in this situation. Here are some ideas:

What is the change that the person wants?

The first thing to establish if a client mentions a grudge is whether the client wants to change anything about it or not. Maybe you can make an observation like: “It feels as if you are still hurt by what happened – would you like to explore a bit around that?” and only if the client wants to talk about it, invite some further questions. In any case, I think it is really important to acknowledge that the client has the right to feel hurt and bear grudges, however our own assessment of the situation may be. I know that you would never do this as a coach, but as a friend I think I could be tempted to downplay the situation and that can add to the hurt.

Ask future focused questions

Another temptation would be to then go and explore what happened, who did what, why the client feels hurt. In these situations, it is only natural for the client to want to tell us all the gory details, so that we can understand and commiserate. The client probably has told this story many times before, so it does not make a lot of sense to reiterate once again. It may even be harmful as it cements the story and the identity of the client as a victim and the other person or the world as the perpetrator. Instead explore questions like: “Suppose you feel better about this whole thing: what would be different?” or “If this grudge was beginning to have a little less influence on you, how would you notice?”

Invite for an externalization of the grudge

Grudges are great candidates for externalization. For me, they are always, green, spiky-slimy monsters. You can ask classic questions about the relationship the client wants with the grudge, what the grudge is keeping the client from doing, how the client might respond to the grudge so that it stops it from preventing the client from living the life they want. Then you could build on the difference this would make in the client’s life and go back to future focused questions.

Use language carefully

If the client holds the grudge against another person, it is best to try to avoid labelling the person as the villain. Rather label the actions and changeable elements. Instead of “the stealing wife” talk about “the stealing” or “the behavior” or even better “the impact the stealing had on you” or “your response to the behavior”. The more static the situational description, the harder to change in my experience.

Some really great resources are available on Ben Furman’s website www.benfurman.com

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