When you think your client is lying to you

It rarely happens, but it does – your client is telling you their story and you hear a very different story from other sources. For example, your client is telling you how they are getting along much better with their team and HR is calling you to let you know that yet another 2 people quit because they could no longer work with your client. Or your teenage client is reporting great success with getting up early and getting organized for the day and their parent reports increasing difficulties. You can see how this can undermine a coach’s trust in the client. My advice: don’t let it do that. Here are some thoughts that may help:

Even “unfactual” progress can be used

It does not really matter whether your client actually made the progress they report. Sounds crazy? It is, in a way, but hear me out. Let us say your client tells you about how they are getting along better with their team. Suspend the information you have from other sources and ask the client details on how they did that. What exactly did they do? How did they think of these things? How did the team respond? By describing in detail – even fictional – successes the client can imagine and this plan for better behavior. Whether this actually happened is secondary.

There are always multiple “truths” or perceptions

You have two (or more) conflicting pieces of information and you do not know “what actually happened”. Nobody knows because we only have our perceptions and perspectives. It may well be that the teenage client got up early one morning and celebrates this as a success whereas the parent only sees the continuing struggle and overlooks the small successes. When entering situations where there is a “sponsor”, someone who is not part of the direct coaching relationship but interested in the result, the coach might use this relationship actively. Talking to the sponsor regularly about the small successes they are perceiving helps them to see the progress, however small, and thereby support the development of the client.

Bring in other perceptions usefully

Sometimes the client’s perceptions are not usefully different from their environment’s perceptions. In the case of two people leaving the team, the coach might ask the client about what they heard to get the client’s perspective on what happened. The important thing here is to continue with an invitation to explore positive changes in the future. Perspective change questions may be quite useful here: What would the two people have needed to see the client do that would have helped them to stay? Suppose the client started collaborating with their team in a better way, what would the team see, what might the sponsor see?

Create a safe space for “failure”

Sometimes clients tell success stories because they do not want to look bad in front of the coach. It is really hard to determine if this is the case or not (and when in doubt, always treat imagined successes like real successes), but if you have the feeling that the client fears looking bad in your eyes, you might want to demonstrate that you hold the client in high regard irrespective of whether they are making progress or not. You could try and normalize making mistakes by telling a story about one of yours or by modeling self-acceptance.

How are you dealing with situations in which you think the client is not 100% truthful? Why not come to one of our free meetup and exchange sessions to share?

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