Adding (Self)-Insult to Injury

The English language has an interesting concept: “adding insult to injury”. The idea is that someone is making a bad situation worse by blaming someone (any sentences beginning with “I told you so”, or “Serves you right”. But what happens when we are the ones doing the adding? When, instead of someone else judging us, we turn inward and do the job ourselves?

When Suffering Turns Inward

During my divorce, I went through a long stretch of sleepless nights with anxiety circling endlessly, body tense, mind running loops of what-ifs. That was the injury. The self-insult came later: blaming myself for not handling it better. “You’re a coach, you should know how to deal with this.” “Why can’t you just calm down?”

Anyone who has stared at the ceiling at 3 a.m. and then scolded themselves for not sleeping will understand. The pain of the situation is hard enough and the self-blame that follows can double it. Learning about the concept of self-compassion really helped.

The Compassionate Alternative

Psychologist and author Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as having three parts:

• Self-kindness instead of self-judgment

• Common humanity instead of isolation

• Mindfulness instead of over-identification with pain

When we meet our own suffering with curiosity and gentleness, we stop deepening the wound. We begin to heal. Self-compassion doesn’t mean self-pity or indulgence. It means treating ourselves as we would a dear friend who is struggling.

What Helps

When life feels heavy and you catch yourself “adding self-insult to injury,” try turning toward something that genuinely heals. This is, of course, different for everyone. Here’s what helps me:

• Watching my favorite series or YouTube channel without blaming myself for needing comfort

• Going for a walk

• Meeting a friend for coffee or zooming with my buddies

• Getting a massage

• Reading a trashy vampire novel

• Dancing

• Making music

The main thing for me is to try and do what feels soothing without judging it as “not productive enough.” I also stay away from what numbs or harms: drugs, risky behavior, anything that leaves me feeling smaller and is not good for my future self.

The following reflection helps:

• What would my future self say to me right now?

• What would my future body and soul want me to have done?

Maybe my future self would thank me for being gentle, for letting myself rest, for treating this moment of struggle as part of being human.

When Our Clients Add Self-Insult to Injury

As coaches, we also sometimes meet clients who are already in pain: facing loss, uncertainty, or disappointment and then turning that pain inward. They say things like:

• “I should be stronger.”

• “Other people have it worse.”

• “As a ... I should deal with this better”

• “I hate how (the other person) is getting to me. I should not let them!”

Our role isn’t to contradict or rescue them, but to invite compassion instead of judgment. We can acknowledge their experience without amplifying the self-criticism:

• “It sounds like this has been really hard. It seems like you are criticising yourself for suffering from this? What would you like instead, if anything?”

• “Suppose a dear friend told you the same story, how would you respond?”

• “What kind of relationship would you like to have with your difficulty?”

We can model the stance of gentle curiosity that they have temporarily lost. Even small shifts, replacing “should” with “could,” or naming the pain as human rather than personal failure, can open new space for healing.

From Self-Insult to Self-Compassion

The shift is subtle but profound. It’s the move from “What’s wrong with me?” to “This is hard — may I be kind to myself in it.” From tightening to softening. From insult to care.

Perhaps that’s what real growth looks like: not conquering our pain, but refusing to make it worse — for ourselves, and for those we coach.

If you want to discuss or hang out with a bunch of friendly coaches, speak about your experience as a coach or learn about our classes, why not come to one of our free meetups and exchanges?

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