Misophonia - a Solution Focused Approach

A lot of the time, when I hear certain sounds (mouth and nose sounds, some environmental sounds), I feel uncomfortable and stressed. It gets worse when I generally feel stressed and overwhelmed.

“Ahhh”, I hear you think: “Kirsten has misophonia” or worse “Kirsten IS misophonic”. I discovered that there is a “diagnosis” for this “disorder” which “affects” around 20 percent of people (one in 5) and I just read a book about it. It is very well researched, generally easy to read and written with a lot of humor. It is called “Sounds like misophonia: how to stop small noises from causing extreme reactions” by Dr. Jane Gregory (Gregory, J. (2023) Sounds like misophonia: how to stop small noises from causing extreme reactions. Unknown: Greentree). The self-help portion of the book is based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Here’s what I appreciated about the book and what I would do differently from a Solution Focused perspective. First, what I appreciated:

Other people’s stories struggling with the same difficulty helped me feel less alone.

I really appreciated the stories and quotes from other people who are also bothered by noises more than they would like to be bothered. I felt less alone, more normal and kind of “ah, ok, this is a human experience” rather than feeling crazy or separated from other human beings.

A positive explanation why this may also be a useful thing.

Jane Gregory speaks about the “marmot” who developed acute listening skills in order to be aware of danger. Thinking about a positive use for my overactive hearing helped me create a different story. From “Kirsten, you are nuts, stop being annoyed” to “Ah, this is my positive evolutionary heritage going into overdrive.”

An invitation to explore and accept the reality of situations rather than my intuitions and interpretations.

Becoming aware of what is happening when I want to strangle someone for slurping their tea on the train, what I am thinking, feeling and interpreting and what is actually going on is helpful. Someone’s tea is too hot. They are slurping it so they can drink it. There is nothing wrong with them. Actually, I also sometimes slurp my tea. Looking around, there is no saber tooth tiger, I am safe. Deep breath, all is good.

What I would do differently:

Focus too much on the problem.

The book was hard to read: I don’t want to hear slurping, I don’t want to read about it, I do not even want to think about it. In the couple of hours that I spent reading the book, I was constantly reminded of the things that I hate. Börk. I am sure that even though there were some useful tips of how to deal with my dislike, in the short term, I was invited to be more averse to these sounds than before.

Making a connection to the past to explain the problem.

I was invited to explore where the problem originated. Now I was not only thinking about ways to feel comfortable when there are noises that I don’t like but was constructing stories about my childhood. To my knowledge there is no origin, no-one treated me badly while slurping, no-one in my family of origin makes any mouth or nose noises much etc. That focus was entirely unhelpful. The above explanation: “Some people experience this and it might have made evolutionary sense before” is enough for me.

Inviting me to “practice” the situation.

There were ideas about searching out these noises on youtube (ASMR – what a horror!!). No freaking way! Why would I do that? It would invite me to focus on what I do not want, would make me live the situation that I am trying to avoid. Nope, not happening.

So what would I do as a Solution Focused coach to coach myself (and potentially others – although this may be more in the therapy realm)?

Remember my description:

“A lot of the time, when I hear certain sounds (mouth and nose sounds, some environmental sounds), I feel uncomfortable and stressed. It gets worse when I generally feel stressed and overwhelmed.”

Find out what is wanted instead.

I want to be as relaxed as a can when I hear those sounds. I want to chuckle about my evolutionary overdrive and say “Ah, Kirsten, great saber tooth defender of the orphans of the clan, sit down, nothing to be feared!” and also use my feelings to check whether I generally need to find space for myself to avoid stress and overwhelm.

Find exceptions.

You read “a lot of the time” and “certain sounds”: which times is it better? Which sounds are ok? When it is better, what are you doing? How do you respond?

Scale.

On a scale of 0-10 where 10 is you are the way you want to be, where are you now? What do you already know to do, think, feel? Suppose you are a step higher on that scale, what would you do, feel, think that is a bit different? Who would notice? What would they be noticing?

Experiment.

Find one small thing I can try next time I hear someone make I sound I dislike. Try it, evaluate and move on. Stop worrying about being weird, accept that it is like this right now and acknowledge that I am working on it. Be hopeful that I’ll be able to co-exist with my evolutionary overdrive (not the change in words from “I HAVE misophonia”) ever more peacefully as I get older and wiser.

A lot of “traditional” psychology can be used in social-constructionist coaching: the stories of other people who are dealing with similar difficulties, their thoughts and coping mechanism, hopeful explanations, collections of tricks and tips. We just need to stay clear of the unhelpful bits: the focus on problems, the classification, the pathologicalization.

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