Listening lessons from the dentist

Hi, it's Carlo here!

Yes, I am afraid to go to the dentist! and I always have been! and it has prevented me from taking care of myself for years. But can such an atavistic and deep-rooted fear help me better understand the deeper meaning of listening? Yes, thanks to a dentist I now trust. That is what happened.

But ehi? You are over 50 years old and you are afraid of the dentist! He won't do anything to you, he's good, you'll see, look at me, I've been going there for years and we're friends now! These are the typical phrases that I have heard for years from those with whom I have spoken.

They are all very interesting statements (for those who have said them...) but I'll let you in on a secret: if someone is afraid of the dentist (and I am not an expert, but I have the distinct feeling that what I am about to tell you can also apply to any other fear...), if you explain to them that "they should not be afraid, that it is not rational, that it is childish, that it will not hurt you" you will not help them! On the contrary, you will simply make the situation even more stressful for him because they will feel 'wrong', and ultimately, it will make them feel worse!

And I can say this from my own personal experience: the phrases I have quoted have been ringing in my ears for years, coming from friends, family and acquaintances who, although animated with the best of intentions towards me, have only increased my discomfort already at the mention of this problem, going so far as to avoid any dialogue on the subject.

Knowing that others around you consider that fear of yours to be 'useless, superfluous, childish (as if what a child feels is not important)' does not help you come out of it. Trying to help someone rationalise something that is clearly not rational to the person is an operation that will never succeed and will only serve to open up a greater distance between the two people who are talking.

But then, if we really want to help someone, what should we do? Exactly what my new dentist did: simply listen!

He listened to me when I told him about my fear. And he listened without trying to 'fix' me, because there is nothing wrong with me, even though what he was listening to was light years away from his own experiences and truths...

He listened to me without 'evaluating' what I was telling him, because nothing is absolutely true or false and experience is totally subjective...

He listened to me without trying to 'comfort' me because I know that to overcome it I can only lean on myself, not someone else...

He listened to me without trying to 'normalise' my fear, because there is nothing abnormal about it...

He listened to me with curiosity, he was interested in my view of my experience, the consequences I am enduring because of it, how I am already trying to handle it in other situations and how I feel and what I do when I can control it... There were many things he asked me as he was really interested in me and each question helped me to see my fear from angles I had never considered before.

In short, he totally immersed himself in this listening, he 'let' himself listen!

That is what my new dentist did. Let's be clear, the fear has not disappeared and he will now use the necessary techniques to manage me as a client with this experience, but I now know that I can trust him and above all that he has helped me to take the first step in taking care of myself in this field: sitting in his chair!

And you, what has been your best experience of feeling heard? And how can you apply it in your role as a coach? If you'd like to share your ideas, come to one of our Free Coaching Meetups!